Sometimes I am not very good at seeing the whole picture. I am aware that I only see what is in front of me and I know there are other points of view but I honestly do not see them until it is pointed out to me. So, knowing that, I am not sure how annoyed I should be, and I definitely am not sure what I should do.
So, here's the background. Deep background is that in VA, Marian was known by nearly the entire school, and pretty much everyone thought she was great. Kids would say hi to her all the time and would try to engage and play with her. Her teachers were attentive and thought she was a good kid. They focused on her strengths, and were very aware of when she was feeling uncomfortable. Then we move here. The teachers have no training on how to deal with students who are not the norm. They are nice, but don't pay attention.
Recent background is that Marian has been getting into trouble a lot the last few months. Lying about her work, pushing kids, drawing on her desktop, not doing work.... stuff like that. I knew something had to be going on with her, but could not figure out what it might be. And she kept saying everything was fine, and no there was nothing bothering her. So I could not figure out what was triggering this. I talked to her teacher, who said Marian was very closed off and almost sneaky, and didn't want to talk much. This was all red flag stuff that something was not right, but again, I could not figure out what it was.
Monday, I got a call from the school saying that Marian had kicked a kid for no apparent reason. Since this kick had reopened a wound on the kid's leg, and this was not the first physical offense, she was being given In School Detention for Tuesday. Yes, she is only in 3rd grade and they are giving her In School Detention! I know, crazy. So I feel conflicted about that one. On the one hand, Hello, it is 3rd grade, isn't that a little extreme? And on the other hand, Awesome! Marian is much happier alone, than with a big group of rowdy kids.
And here is the rest of the story. I finally know what has been bothering her.
Marian has a huge personal space. Or maybe it is a small personal space, but she really, really does not like it infringed on. Her desk is her space and she does not like other kids touching it. Her class has figured that out and has taken great delight in teasing her. They like to walk by and touch her desk. This makes her crazy. She said she even tried putting a book up to prevent them from messing with the desk, but then they just poked her book with their pencils, which was even worse.
And this is when Marian resorts to pushing or hitting, or, apparently, kicking. And then the kids tell on her and she's in trouble. Yes, I see that it is not okay to hit or push kids. Although honestly, I'm pretty sure that there should be a natural consequence to teasing. If you tease me and I hit you, you'll quit teasing me. But telling the teacher is just a wonderful extension of that teasing. Now not only have you gotten immense satisfaction from pushing me to the brink, but now you get to see me get in trouble for losing it. I don't like that either! But what is the solution? How is this fixed? The teachers are not interested in the teasing. They are not going to be watching her. They are not keeping an eye on this, or on her. They are not keeping track of what sets her off, nor are they even aware of how easy it is to read her and know when she's having a problem.
I am frustrated at the lack of care from the teachers. I understand that there are 28 kids in the room, and they can't do everything all the time, but I DO expect some situational awareness, and in this part of the country.... well, child-rearing is still stuck in the early 1900s.
There are just a few weeks of school left. I'm probably not going to do anything now. But what about next year? What do I do? I have some options: 1. I can leave her in that school and hope for a better year. 2. I can switch to the other school, which is further away and on a different calendar. 3. I can pay big bucks for a private school. (Yeah, that was just an option, not a viable one!) 4. I can home school. 5. I can wish it magically away. 6. I can let her suck it up and be miserable through school.
So there you have it. My biggest frustration this week. I honestly do not know what to do. I want my little girl to be happy and successful. How do I make it happen?
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5 comments:
Those are some stinky tough questions. And how frustrating that neither teachers nor kids are appreciating her. While I can see what a power trip it must be for those kids to be able to tease her so effectively, it's not cool at all to have it happen to your kid. Also, I think it is tremendously unfair that usually the best solution is for the person being teased to gain new skills. Is there no way to help Marian cope or react differently? Imagine how disappointing it would be for those kids to not be able to bother her anymore. Or you could teach her how to goad them!
It might be helpful to rephrase the problem. Call it bullying. Label it what it is. This elevates the problem and moves the problem from Marion, to the perpetrators.
I would also elevate it to the principal level. If you have no satisfaction there,... I'll think on that some more.
You might also talk to the karate teacher. Perhaps he has some suggestions.
We had similar situations with #1 when he was younger. I don't remember doing anything specific, but things are better now, in some ways.
I agree that the real problem in bullying. That should be enough to start the ball rolling in your favor, although unfortunately, it may not.
I have almost come to the conclusion that it is the lot for some people to struggle with certain difficulties until they can figure it out....but it is heart-wrenching when it is your child...!
She is in our prayers also.
Aren't there charter schools in the area you can turn to? I had the same problem with Allie in high school. There are public funded charter schools here that are free. The charter schools won't take anyone who has been expelled so it's usually a wonderful group of kids-smaller class sizes, too. Allie's public school had 40 kids in a class, now there are 15 in a class. I don't know what you can find there. Believe me, I know what you are talking about there. I think the graduation rate is less than 30% or something. It's insane! Homeschooling may be a good way to go. One that we almost used was k12. I think that one was free, too. There are a lot of free, public funded, accredited homeschool programs. k12 even can give you $20 a month for wifi connection to help out. I can give you more info if you would like. Marian is brilliant. She definitely doesn't deserve that treatment.
I was going to ask the same thing about Charter schools. Have you considered counseling with with Marian, even though this is not her fault but maybe to help her learn how to deal with the personal space and the things that frustrate her. I have Taylor who is causing me a lot of stress, she recently lied about having bad eyesight. For taylor the life changing difference for us was putting her on medicine, but her's is an ADHD problem and so that made the world of difference for her. So sorry, I can totally relate. I would look at another school or research the 4th grade teachers and see if you can make a special request. Or a charter school, or research schools and I think it would be worthy a happy child to drive her to a better school, maybe all your kids could just change schools.
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